Yesterday at work, a couple of girls and I pondered what it was, exactly, that made men like boobs so much. (We were looking at pictures of Scarlett Johansson.) The classical answer to this question is that men don't have boobs, so they're fascinated by them... or sometimes, you'll get the evo-devo style assertion that large breasts indicate a woman who is "nurturing." Bullllllllllshit.
I'll believe that the presence of breasts, as well as other feminine body shapes, is a logical feature of the male attraction protocol. This fact does not quite explain to me why the brain would rank larger breasts above regular sized breasts, however-- to me, the whole purpose of breast-attraction would be to discern breasts-versus-no-breasts. As far as I know, other primates don't obsess over huge bazookas the way we do, so can I blame society? Please please please?
HERE IS MY PROBLEM:
Girls like to say that men like breasts because they don't have them. That makes every girl feel better about their boobs, right? It divides us into the Haves and Have Nots. It implies, "Any boob is a good boob." Boob communism isn't real, girls. I barely have any boobs (34 A, on a good day), and I'm not obsessed with breasts. I think they are gross. They are veiny and wiggly and weird. They stretch out sweaters. What's the mystery? Cow udders are more interesting, if you ask me.
I also don't buy that men think women with big breasts are nurturing. Who has ever looked at a picture of Salma Hayek and moaned, "Oh, I can just picture her nursing my offspring!" And the women pictured in JUGS probably don't inspire family yearnings in anyone. I wouldn't want MY baby dangling off some basketball-proportioned mammary gland while mommy posed, glistening, on the hood of a car. But maybe that's just me, I'm weird.
I'll never have pornstar boobs. My breasts have been the same size since 7th grade. To lament my physical inadequacies, I wrote you this song. Okay, I actually just rewrote the lyrics to "The Way We Were." I don't have quite enough freetime to compose an original soundtrack reflecting on puberty.
Mammaries light the corners of my mind
Bouncy flesh-colored mammaries, that's the way they were
Scattered laundry, unmentionables left behind
Training bras remind me of the way they were
I'll remember
Whenever I put on a sweater
The way they were...
The way they still are...
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1 comment:
not that i think the whole thing is this simple, but i'd be willing to bet that one of the reasons so many guys are obsessed by big boobs is that they've appropriated the American mentality of "bigger + more = better" that we like to apply to our food portions, cars, houses, debt, cities, national monuments and sporting events and applied it to mammary glands. not sure why - maybe because someone told them to (i hear that whole biz is pretty lucrative).
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