Can vodka cure headaches?

When I was a senior in high school, my gigantic wisdom teeth pressed on a nerve in my jaw and gave me a headache for almost the entire year, nonstop. Or maybe the kids I went to school with were just so annoying, blonde, and orange that I was in psychic pain all the time... I don't know. If you went to my high school you'd understand that both options are equally likely. I had my wisdom teeth removed and graduated high school in the same week, and the headaches went away. Hooray!

But I get headaches now that are almost as bad as that one. Let me tell you this week's tale of woe: On Tuesday before I went to a concert, I started getting a headache. I kept it at bay by taking 3 Advil with a Guinness. That is probably not so great for my liver, but what's done is done. The next day it was back! So I left work early and took a nap. Then it was back again! And I haven't been able to shake it since.

Here is something you shouldn't do when you have a headache: Go on internet medical advice websites. All I can think about now is how I may have a subarachnoid bleed. Every ten minutes I'm running to the mirror to see if there's blood leaking from my ear. But if my meninges were hemmoraging for 5 days, wouldn't I be craving meat? Probably, since I'm already (according to the blood drives that reject me) "dangerously anemic." It's okay: If I sit really still and try not to breathe much and don't think about anything or open my eyes, I barely feel any pain. It's like being dead.

Random aside: I was at the gym this morning laughing to myself about a cat food commercial. I think it's weird that they advertise salmon, lobster, and sea bass as a "natural" diet for cats. When was the last time you saw a cat deep-sea fishing or cracking open a lobster tail? Hell, cats don't even have the opposable digits to properly handle a seafood fork. You might as well give them pureed polar bear liver, because they're just as likely to eat that in the wild.