(Hopefully) The only post I will ever write about Facebook

I almost never add people as my friend on Facebook. I wait for them to add me. Playing hard-to-get over the internet is a challenging and rewarding game. I get this cheap, dirty thrill from the rejections and selections that happen over Facebook.

When I add people, I almost always regret it. Sometimes I add guys I've dated and never see them again (only their updates, like irritating ghosts of the relationship I aborted). Sometimes I add the new girlfriends of exboyfriends (to freak them out). Sometimes I add the boyfriends of girls who don't like me (to piss them off). None of these things are very productive! I should have a hypnotist give me an aversion to the words "Add friend."

I love the creepout feeling I get when someone adds me. What makes someone who never talked to you in high school decide one random afternoon that they would like to cybernetwork with you? When I was at home last month, I went to a bar and saw a lot of these cyberalumni-- all of whom had mysteriously requested my friendship years ago and said nothing to me since. And then what do you say? "Long time, no see... your facebook status tells me you split up with your boyfriend, how sad!" "Remember that time in high school when... umm... we didn't hang out, did we? Remember that picture you uploaded last month? HILARIOUS." "No no, you didn't get fat!" Awkwardtown.

The best of all Facebook feelings is when you get to reject someone. I rejected someone once because I didn't recognise him. I thought he was going to creep my photos and write scary "compliments" on my wall. I realized later that I'd had a science class with him in high school, and he'd just altered his name as a joke. He friended me again a month later with his name changed back to the real one. But he didn't send me a note or anything to clear up confusion, and I'd never even had a conversation with him... so I rejected him again. All in all, he requested my friendship over 10 times, never once trying to decreepify the situation. Toward the end there, I got so much joy rejecting him that I think I descended to yet a lower level of hell. Sorry, dude. Don't be so creepy.

The worst is when you are unfriended, or when you have to unfriend someone. The actual unfriending process is quite satisfying, but the decision to completely cut someone out is sort of difficult. Actually, last year I was living with this disgusting guy and wanted to unfriend him for months before my social situation permitted me to click that glorious button. My most recent ex boyfriend unfriended me because he "didn't want to see my updates, they make me feel horrible." Well, the dumb bastard should feel horrible, but I totally understand. I've unfriended my exes before because I don't want to see when they are in a new relationship. I also unfriended everybody I was obligated to be friends with during college, but whose life I didn't really care about. It's annoying to see pictures of parties you know were boring and trite on your newsfeed, am I right?

In summary, I'm a bitch on Facebook. It's good practice for real life.