Vodka

I'm 25% Polish, 50% German, and 25% mystery. When all these genes combine, you get a human being that runs more efficiently on hard liquor than any other substance in the world. Vodka got me through college. It helped me dance, it helped me date, and it helped me break up. It helped me forget the C- I got in calculus, Egyptian history, organic chemistry, and genetics, and the C+ I got in almost everything else except Russian Lit and Neurobiology courses. Vodka is my hero.

Last week I found out that vodka can work without damaging your liver. Some kids were climbing on me earlier in the week and pinched a nerve in my neck. (It was sort of cool. If I put pressure on the right point, it felt like my skin was on fire. That is how I self-diagnosed my neck pain as a nerve problem.) I was pretty miserable at work because I've found that I don't get very much done with my head on my desk. I took this gigantic, squishy green pill called "Aleve", but it didn't alleviate my pain. Someone should rename that pill. Maybe "A-LIE" would be more appropriate.

The Russian I work with said that vodka can cure pain. We didn't have any vodka in lab, but we had 100% ethanol for cleaning lab surfaces, and that's probably even better. It's everclear, baby. So the lovely people I work with prepared a poultice of vodka and taped it to my neck. Guess what! It worked!

Now I profess to you, my handful of readers, that vodka is a true panacea that can solve nearly any problem. And whatever it can't solve... try tequila?