Harry Potter and the TransExtravaganza

I read all the Harry Potter books. I read some twice. I read some three times. They have a special little place in my heart and I don't care if you think that makes me lame. You know what're really lame? The Harry Potter movies.

Last night I headed over to a friend's place to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Those kids really can't act. It's not so apparent in the first couple of movies because the audience is distracted by how little Dan Radcliffe is and by Alan Rickman's amazing portrayal of Professor Snape. But by this fourth movie, it's pretty obvious that the kids playing Harry and Ron (Emma Watson, i.e. Hermione, can act) are either receiving spectactularly inept direction, or that they have no skills for the director to work with. I vote for the latter, based on their performance in the fifth movie.

While we were watching the movie, I kept thinking about how much better these film adaptations would be if they hadn't taken them so seriously-- I would love to see a campy Harry Potter movie that takes all the semi-adult jokes in the book and expounds upon them, instead of being so plot and action-scene focused. Aside from the obvious jokes about Harry's wand, the movies could be improved simply by adding sparkly makeup to some of the male characters. Maybe the normal version needs to exist as a basis for a future campy movie. Maybe someday the world will be illuminated by the existence of another transvestite-filled musical. I can only pray that, if and when we are so lucky, Alan Rickman will reprise his role as Snape, and that he's willing to wear purple eyeshadow.

I would also like David Bowie to play Voldemort and Jake Gyllenhaal to play Harry, essentially reprising his role from Donnie Darko with the addition of teenage wizardry and a promiscuous romp around Hogwarts with Ron.