At long last:

Today I did a couple of things that I have been wanting to do since I was five: I played with mud, mated frogs, and didn't wear a hat in January. All of these amazing events were brought to me by the University of North Carolina!

When we mate the frogs, we have to create some sexy mud-lined motel rooms for them so they feel comfortable. Then we lovingly inject them with hormone to get their mojo working. We put some frog choruses on to set the mood. Tomorrow, I'll run into the animal room like a kid on Christmas morning to see if my little Emma and Mr. Knightly, Janet and Brad, Beatrice and Benedick, Miss Piggy and Kermit, Bert and Ernie [don't be so homonormative], Dominique and Roark, Mountain Girl and Kesey, Lara and Zhivago, Margarita and Master, and Maude and Harold have successfully completed the only relevant task of their short lives.

When I was little, my little girlfriends would come over and play house in my tree fort while I dug through the garden looking for slugs and undeveloped cicada larvae. They braided one other's hair while I sprayed beehives to see if bumblebees can fly wet. They tattled to my mom while I dissected dead birds with sticks. Those little bitches.

By the way, bumblebees can fly when they are wet. They can pretty much fly fast enough to catch up with a ten year old who is running away as fast as she can. When they sting you in your mouth, it looks like collagen injections. Now you know!