anhedonia

i have, in general, much difficulty feeling enthusiastic about anything, but holidays and social situations in particular.. when i moved to college there was a running joke in my dorm because i reminded this huge group of movie loving people of Annie Hall; they claimed this was a compliment because they loved that movie. well, i'd never seen Annie Hall, and when i finally did, i found it to be less of a compliment and more of an astute perception of my not-as-carefully-hidden-as-i'd-like neuroses. whatever, so i don't experience collective effervescence? boo hoo.

so here is a shortlist of things that most people enjoy and that i find (a) uninspiring or (b) depressing because i find them uninspiring. the difference between (a) and (b) is the amount of ecstasy i feel as though i am missing.

• graduation; mine or anyone else's. i mean, i was pretty damn glad to be done and to move out of my shitty apartment, but i'm sure there's more to it than that.
• 4th of july; i hate fireworks.
• christmas and new year's eve; NYE is the worst because there is so much pressure to enjoy it. usually i sit at home and cry and eat cookies and watch a movie that takes place in the summer months and drink alone.
• weddings; actually, this probably shouldn't go on the list... i just feel sad for people who get married to some loser, or who get married young and don't get to have any fun. but i also don't want to have a wedding ever, so i'm including it.
• birthdays; just mine, actually. i hate forcing people to celebrate my birth when they should really be rueing the day, like i am. if someone would just leave a cake on my doorstep and give me the day off to eat it and ignore happybirthdays as i please, that would be ideal.
  
• romance; ugh, i know you just want to make out with me. stop pretending you care and put your hands on my boobs. good boy/girl.

maybe i shouldn't put that thing about romance up there without a disclaimer: you know this blog, like me, is half-joking all the time right? you can't just put your hands on my boobs. you need to amuse me with your cute sense of humor and buy me dinner first.