TV Guide

As you may recall, I canceled all television service to my apartment a month ago. It's been a quiet month in my apartment. I kind of like it, but sometimes I need to do something... mindless... so today I watched some of this season's premieres (on my laptop).

1. Grey's Anatomy: First of all, why do I waste my life watching this drivel? The dialogue is painful and all the characters are ridiculous. But I think I've beaten the bad dialogue horse too much in my life; today, I'm going to beat the bad plot horse. Thanks for killing off boring George, Shonda Rimes & Friends, but there's still lame Izzy, boring Meredith, boring Christina, boring Derek, lame Alex, lame Meredith's sister, and the rest of the lame, boring cast to kill off. I suggest that a bomb explodes in Seattle Grace, flattening the entire hospital, because this show is like a roach infestation. If you don't obliterate them all, they'll come back even stronger than before in some incorrigible spin-off. We can't have that again, people-- I will not abide by another show as terrible as Private Practice. Also, I'm growing impatient about the speed at which character deaths occur. You can't afford waste an entire episode deifying a character who had no redeeming qualities. Be honest, you're glad he's dead. It's okay to move on with sociopath-like speed. You have other bad characters to kill, SR&F, and I want them all dead before sweeps (except Patrick Dempsey). Please start with Izzy. Now let's get crackin'!

2. Eastwick: I'm still not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, they took an awesomely dark, overtly sexual and sadistic book about three gorgeously powerful women and turned it into a frilly, flouncy, cutesy-magicked version of Desperate Housewives. I hate Desperate Housewives as much as Grey's Anatomy. On the other hand, the guy who plays Darryl the Demon is way hotter than I imagined him in the book. But on the first hand, Rebecca Romijn can't act well enough to sell her character. But on the second hand, who cares, because she looks sooooo good kissing Darryl. But on the first hand, no no no, don't ruin literature with cliche dialogue, plots, characters, soundtrack... even the font in the credits is predictable. No, ABC, no. Just.... don't. I beg you.

3. House: I used to love this show until one day I realized they ran out of ideas in the second season and still needed to give Hugh Laurie something to do to justify his huge salary. I would prefer that they have him tap dance and solve riddles for an hour instead of murdering all the respect I had for the show's writers. Who writes for TV these days? I'm starting to think it might be a group therapy project in an adult care facility: cut and paste things from newspapers and novels until you run out of space on the page, then doodle set designs on them. The sixth season premiere is a modernized and watered-down plagiarism of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." I'm not even going to explain to you how the writers have stolen the plot of the movie point-by-point, because I have more respect for you than that. It's even worse than plagiarism because it takes a work of Ken Kesey genius and infuses it with the same tired cadence we've all come to know and detest in House dialogue. I like a good homage as much as the next cranky bitch, so when they come up with a good homage I'll certainly give them credit for it. Where's the creativity? At the end of the episode, 13 sleeps with a stripper and kills herself, Wilson throws a sink out the window, House gets a lobotomy and the giant Indian-- I mean, FOX -- puts the sad, empty remains of this program out of its misery... oh, sorry, no... that's what would happen if I wrote this episode.