What can brown do for you?

NOT MUCH.

I had the most annoying experience with UPS this week. I ordered some bedding from Urban Outfitters and had to pay $10 for shipping. Urban Outfitters accidentally (?) omitted my apartment number on the shipping label, so when the package was delivered, they had to take it straight to the building office and leave it for me. Whatever incompetent debile working there at the time told them that I had moved out of the apartment complex and not left a forwarding address.

This baffles me, since I've been living here for two years and stop into that office all the time and make small talk with those ladies. Anyway, UPS had to take the package back and it experienced something called an "exception," which essentially means they are confused and plan to take actions that will completely inconvenience the intended recipient.

Instead of calling the phone number that I had associated with the billing and shipping address when I placed the order, UPS decided to call my parents' house. This, too, confuses me, because I'm not sure how they got the phone number. They reached my father, who couldn't imagine why I would be ordering anything off the internet and assumed UPS was some sort of scam artist targeting me and trying to squeeze my address out of him. He told them they would have to call me. They told him that I had to call their help line.

UPS's help line has one of those automated voice-recognition navigation systems employing a frustratingly peaceful woman's voice. You can choose from options like "track a package" and "send a package" and "shipping information," all of which require you to clearly state numbers and letters and words in a clear manner such that a robot can decipher your speech. So imagine me sitting at my desk in lab, running an experiment next to whirling and whizzing pumps and electrical equipment, enunciating a random stream of 8 billion numbers and letters into my phone, trying to maintain the emotional vigor of Al Gore. "I'm sorry, I didn't understand you." Aaaaaand repeat.

This help line helped me learn that my "package has experienced an exception," and could I please "pick it up within 5 days at the UPS facility." What UPS facility? The one in my town? A quick phone call there told me that they only sold shipping materials and did not handle packages. In order to talk to a person, I had to play the old "I'm too stupid to use a phone" trick and nod mutely at the phone until a representative from customer service came on the line. Her advice? "Just go to the UPS facility to pick it up." WHAT UPS FACILITY? "The one nearest you."

After I extracted an address from this clueless peon, Google informed me that it was a 20 minute drive from my apartment. An hour of telephone runaround and 20 minutes of driving later, I had my stupid pillowcases. Thanks for nothing, UPS!